Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Wedding Wednesday: Smashing Tradition - Mazel Tov!

Okay, dear readers, let's head back to our conversation on the differences between English and American weddings!  Part One is here, if you missed it before, where we talked about the ceremony, and then here's the post about the rules for civil weddings in the UK.  Now, on to the reception!


Now, I'm going to start by touching on a subject that I've seen raise a few hackles online, so I'll keep it brief.  In the UK, it is common to have separate guest lists for the ceremony and the reception.  In fact, it's totally acceptable to have three: one for the ceremony, one slightly larger for cocktails and dinner afterwards, and finally a third for the party at the end of the night.  Jon and I are only having one because we feel that if someone is important enough to spend our wedding day with us s/he should be there for the ceremony as well as the reception.  Additionally, since there's no break between our ceremony and the reception, as there often is when English weddings are scheduled earlier in the day, we feel it would be awkward to introduce new guests mid-celebration.

As I mentioned before, we're not going to do a first look before the ceremony; Jon and I, along with our families and attendants, will disappear for a little bit for photos while the guests start enjoying the cocktail hour.  (Actually, I think we've agreed with our wonderful caterer that it's going to be a cocktail hour-and-a-half, but discretion is the better part of valor, don't you think?)  We have a grand and brilliant plan to announce our arrival to the cocktail hour - it's got to be a secret for our guests so I can't tell you what it is, but I will give you this hint: it's very loud and it's a nod to Jon's Scottish roots.  And then, because we won't have been able to incorporate any Jewish traditions into the wedding ceremony, Jon's going to stomp on a glass and everyone will yell mazel tov!

For the reception itself, I don't actually think we'll be doing anything wildly different than the American or English guests will expect.  (This might be a shorter post than I thought... Oops!)  Similar to Nicola, I think that many of our guests imagine weddings by way of Hollywood rather than any one country these days - plus, we're amongst the first in our group of friends to get married, so most won't have much to compare our wedding to!  The two things I can think of that really do stand out are the cake and the toasts.  The tradition in the UK is for the wedding cake to be a fruit cake, but we'll be having a classic tiered vanilla sponge with buttercream instead.  Honestly, I did try to convince Jon that we should serve a proper Victoria sponge cake but he balked at that, so we compromised with something simple and fresh but still traditional - at least in the American sense!  And then there's a formal order to who gives which toast when and to whom at a wedding; it's technically only the father of the bride, the groom, and the best man.  Of course, these days it's okay to break the tradition and women can certainly give toasts if they want to, but I don't think my sister is desperate to stand up in front of the crowd and neither am I.  But we could if we wanted to, and that's what counts!

Otherwise, I think most of the pieces we're electing to include (or not include) are personal choices and have very little to do with cultural traditions in this global age: we won't have a receiving line, we will not feed each other cake, I will throw my bouquet to the girls, Jon will not go searching for the garter I will not be wearing, we will have a first dance but we won't have a father/daughter dance or a mother/son dance, etc.  But I know I've forgotten some differences, so help me out, dear readers!  What am I missing - what do you want to know?  My favorite part of the Sunday Times style section is the Well-Mannered Weddings column with all the awkward etiquette questions, so please do ask away!


By the way, I can neither confirm nor deny the possibility that Jon and I may be hoisted up on chairs during the wedding reception.  All I can tell you is that I'm afraid of heights.  Do with that information what you will.


27 comments:

  1. Hah, as always, I love these posts Betsy!

    "we won't have a receiving line, we will not feed each other cake, I will throw my bouquet to the girls, Jon will not go searching for the garter I will not be wearing, we will have a first dance but we won't have a father/daughter dance or a mother/son dance, etc." Ditto!


    BUT we will be borrowing the British tradition of separate guest lists. Although, our ceremony will be on a different day than our reception (aka party) so it doesn't feel too awkward :)

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  2. haha thank you!


    and that makes total sense given your schedule! we're going to throw a big party here in DC when Jon arrives (next spring) that will be a YAY VISA / POST-WEDDING / HOUSEWARMING celebration and that will definitely include way more people than would have been practical for the wedding :)

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  3. bagpipes. boom. loud and Scottish.

    honestly, I like the idea of separate guest lists for the different parts of the wedding. I think each stage represents something different - the ceremony is more focused on the couple, whereas the reception is more focused on being with the guests, in my mind. I like the idea of having a small ceremony involving a limited number of people (because exchanging vows is a pretty intimate event), but then opening up the reception to a larger crowd so that you can all celebrate together.

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  4. I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY.

    that's true, I get that. I think I can't divorce the cost of a wedding from the intimacy, as awful as that might be - like, if I'm going to spend $kajillion per person for the reception, I want them to be there for the vows too. but then I feel like if the ceremony was just immediate family and then we invited all our friends to the party it would be okay? gah - SO MANY OPTIONS.

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  5. I have been to weddings where there are so many designated dances it felt like a talent-less talent show. But really, it sounds like y'all are leaving out all the stuff we left out!
    I do wish we'd done pictures before hand, but I can't remember why we didn't. I am fairly certain I didn't care about seeing each other... but I also get not wanting to do it, particularly if you are not able to do other meaningful parts of the ceremony (due to the religious aspects rule), then that initial seeing each other moment takes on a lot more emotional load.
    I AM SO GLAD you're incorporating the glass-shattering, because that's my #1 favorite I-wish-I-was-Jewish wedding tradition. Oh, and having dudes in tall hats stomp/dance around in a line... wait. That's just my Fiddler obsession.
    And I'm with Kaity. BAGPIPES. And you're going to come in the room doing the Fling.

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  6. I'm staying mum.


    Jon doesn't care about the m/s dance though I do want to do a f/d dance - I just can't figure out how to work it into the larger picture without interrupting the flow of things, you know? I can't see it feeling organic. We'll just make sure I dance with my dad when Tarah (our photographer) is still there :)

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  7. The only thing that I didn't get during our wedding that I would have loved was plate smashing. I think this is only Greek, but I don't care! Make sure Jon smashes that glass extra hard for me.

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  8. also, we didn't have most of the shenanigans you're having either: no receiving line, no feeding each other, I actually didn't throw my flowers, nor did I wear a garter. We had the father/daughter and mother/son dances just cause our parents wanted them so badly. We didn't have cake actually- just ice cream. It was awesome how relaxed and un-wedding like it was, in my opinion :)

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  9. haha I've never heard of that! I like the different theories for what smashing the glass means... it either symbolizes the destruction of the temple or the last time the husband will ever put his foot down again :P

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  10. I think Dad's a little sad about not doing a f/d dance, to be honest, but we'll still get to dance! we just won't have all eyes on us, which is okay :)

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  11. Please tell me it's bagpipes!!!!
    Ps. I always look forward to Weddings Wednesday - it is acceptable to live vicariously through you, right?!?! :)

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  12. oh yay YES - honestly I always wonder what my friends who are being invited to the wedding think about these posts. like, am I giving away too much? or do you like the sneak peek? good to hear :)

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  13. I enjoyed reading this post! I'm planning my wedding myself (or should be planning) and I love getting these ideas. I wanted to do a separate list for reception and ceremony, but mom says no!

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  14. So, basically, you really don't want to be hoisted up in a chair on your wedding day, but you have a sinking feeling that someone will think that's a GREAT idea, and you'll have to do it anyway.


    I'm right, right?

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  15. haha close - it's the ONE thing our friends ask the most about!

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  16. oof, I have so many reactions to the "mom says..." part of this, but my mom reads my blog so I can't publish them! I should probably advise you go along with that she wants :P

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  17. We did our dance, then immediately the F/D dance, then immediately the M/S dance, and the music was not played the whole way through for either the F/D or M/S dances so it wasn't that long. Could you do a joint F/D M/S dance? Are there enough acronyms for you? I think if you want to do one and you don't you may end up regretting it, especially since your dad wants to as well, and you guys seem close. Just my 2 cents, or pence :) We also didn't do the receiving line, and we did a typical American wedding cake but also a typical British wedding fruitcake, and cupcakes, and we had a bangers and mash bar. I tried to incorporate some British traditions in there! And I will keep my mouth shut on the 2 reception invites, it is one thing, even after 3 years and numerous UK weddings, that I just couldn't get behind. Ever.

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  18. Jon and his mother actively don't want a m/s dance, but I think that maybe Jon can hand me off to my dad halfway through the first dance song but after our guests have joined us on the floor? (Jon only wants like a minute of us dancing alone, haha!)

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  19. That could work! As long as the song isn't too mushy lovey dovey :)

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  20. Did you have a bat mitzvah? If so, did you not get raised on chairs for that? (Maybe a west coast tradition). So scarey, but I loved it! Yay glass breaking.
    I don't really understand the difference between the different lists to all the events. I am like you, if you are going to come to part, you are coming to the whole thing. Might just me going back to bat mitzvah hell in that, you suffer through the service to get to the party.

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  21. and of COURSE my mind immediately went to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLwW7ZDWn5Y

    BETSY. I FORBID YOU TO USE THIS AS YOUR FIRST DANCE. Sorry to dash your dreams....

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  22. I thought it was to symbolize that life isn't perfect and there will be broken dishes along the way, but the marriage will persevere?

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  23. Oh my gosh. When I read the part about the glass breaking, my eye welled up with tears. I cannot wait to see pictures. This wedding is going to be gorgeous.

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  24. I did, but I didn't! but haha I bet the guest list thing does go back to my Bat Mitzvah - suffer is the right word :P

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  25. haha now I'm a little worried that everything will go wrong at the wedding and none of this will happen... oh, the pressure! :P

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  26. We didn't have a reception line, we did speeches the British way, we DID feed each other cake but it was super awkward (funny memory), there was NO garter toss because I did not wear a garter, no mother/son or father/daughter dance either. We had a small fruit cake that his mother made and MAILED to me, and we had it decorated like our other "American" cake. In the end, I forgot to throw my bouquet. Oh well. Sounds like we will have very similar receptions :)

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  27. is it weird that I don't like being fed by someone else? like, even if Jon and I are at a restaurant and he offers me a forkful of his food, I will either take the fork from him or I'll ask him to put the food on my plate so I can help myself. I bet Freud would have a field day with that...

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