Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Thoughts On August

Welcome to August, the month in which bloggers’ yearning for autumn, which has been pitched at a gentle whine for weeks, works itself up to a fevered roar.

I feel differently. I want it to stay summer forever. I love autumn as much as the next boot-wearing, pashmina-wrapping, and chai-drinking 20something, but I’m not ready to admit that this summer is almost over because Jon’s arrival is still nowhere in sight.

We’ve been wrong every time we’ve guessed when he might be able to expatriate. First we thought March, when we misunderstood the difference between the petition being approved and the visa being granted; then we thought June, when we assumed the I-129F would come through first; since then, once the I-130 was sent on from USCIS, we’ve been saying August. “Before the end of the summer,” we’ve assured ourselves and everyone who’s asked. “Jon will be here by autumn.” But it would be a miracle the likes of which the State Department has never before experienced if Jon’s visa were granted in the next few weeks. I know everyone – members of our family, close friends, casual acquaintances, strangers we meet at dinner parties - asks how things are going because they care and are concerned for us, but here's the reality they aren't really prepared to hear:

We’re miserable. We’re miserable and there’s very little we can do about it.

Yes, I know our situation could be worse. I really do know that, I promise, and I know that this whole post is, like I said yesterday, a a self-indulgent wallow. I’m not writing it to gain sympathy – I know I have from you it no matter how hard I smile and promise you that it’s fine and we’re fine and everything will be fine in the end, and that does help a little. But, in a bit more detail, here’s the reality:

Jon and I have been long distance for 797 days. In that time, we’ve spent a total of nine weeks together, most of which fell before our wedding. The vast majority of our first year of marriage will have been spent on opposite sides of an ocean.

The average cost of a non-stop roundtrip ticket from Washington to London is about $1,000. Unless you get really lucky, the cheapest flights start at $700 and it’s almost impossible to find a flight for less than $1,200 each at peak times (like August and Christmas, when we’re most likely to travel given family/work schedules).

Even without visiting each other, the financial consequences of being in a long-distance relationship are difficult to budget for given that we don’t know how long our situation will last. And even with the visits, the demands we’re placing on our families is unquantifiable; both Jon and I have been forced to rely on our parents and sisters for support, both practical and emotional. We should be able to draw strength from leaning on each other, but instead we feel dependent on everyone around us and it's taking a toll on our relationship as a result.

If autumn comes and Jon still isn’t here, we’ll have spent nine seasons apart. We’ll have missed our first wedding anniversary together, plus four out of five birthdays. All of our guesses about when he’d arrive and how hard this whole experience would be will have proven woefully inadequate. So summer, my plea to you is this: stay. Please, August, last a very long time. We can move into autumn once Jon gets here, but until then let it still be summer.


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22 comments:

  1. Oh Betsy, I wish this was done and dusted and he was sitting next to you. It is such a disgrace that the US (and the UK as well) make it so difficult for married couples to be together, to be a family. I will never doubt how lucky we were that it took only 6 months for Lee's green card, and that we were able to do it together, in the UK - why they don't offer these kinds of time frames for people who are in different countries blows my mind. I hope your visit to see him will bring a little happiness to both your hearts, and that you will get the good news you are waiting for sooner than later. Big hugs xx

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  2. Betsy, I'm so sorry that this process is what it is. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you and Jon, especially with just not knowing when it will all end. I hope that good news comes your way soon and that you are both able to pass the time as best you can.

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  3. I want to give you such a big hug right now! I wish I could yell at someone for you. This sucks. You know it, but I want to add my voice to the protest. THIS SUCKS.

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  4. Oh Betsy. I know just how you feel. I feel the same. At the moment, I am painfully aware of summer slipping away as I dislike winter so much. That said, the quicker time passes at the moment the sooner I will be taken towards getting my own visa. You have waited for so long. You keep yourself as cheerful as you possibly can, given the circumstances, and I admire that.

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  5. I totally so get where you're coming from, it's that point when you just want to scream it's so frustrating. And I know you feel so low and like you're missing so much, but remember, how much each season will mean when he's finally there, how much you'll never take for granted (like many other couples do) the little things that he missed for the first while. I promise you, it will make you stronger and it will forever be something you never take for granted. Thinking of you friend!

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  6. :( It's so tough. I'm glad I didn't think the I-130 approval would mean anything, not really, because we've got it now, but I'm still expecting another ginormous wait. Ughhhhh. At least we're going to be waiting it out after August together. It sucks being apart. We spent quite a while apart, back around 2009-2011, and I know how hard it is. So I suck at encouraging you, because I just want to say: I get it.

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  7. At least, once Jon get his greencard you won't have to deal with immigration again for a long while. I know that the reason why I don't ask you how are are hanging in there during the separation is that I figured that, no matter how good a spin you put on it, it sucks. It really sucks. And other peoples kind thoughts and words are appreciated but they don't actually fix the situation (at least that's how I felt - I hope that doesn't make me sound ungrateful.) Personally, I'm not of the school of thought that long distance makes relationships stronger. I think it's an awful obstacle that you can survive because your relationship was solid in the first place. And you two will.


    But you've been ticking off requirements and hopefully have Jon there before you know it.


    Also boo autumn - hurray summer! Summer is my favourite season and I give the side-eye to people who want autumn to come more quickly. I do feel a very strong emotional connection proportional to the amount of daylight we get.

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  8. So sorry Betsy! It's okay to wallow every now and then, and I don't blame you, considering your situation. I really just can't imagine what you are going through--positive thoughts that summer will drag on and these things will get worked out!

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  9. This situation just sucks. I'm so sorry. You have every right to wallow a bit and to write about it--it's your life! As much as we all try to stay positive and show that positivity, sometimes it's also nice to know that everything isn't perfect. We can be more supportive that way! It's also sometimes healthy to vent. To get it out and stop pretending that everything is hunky dory. My fingers are crossed that good news will come soon, and until then know that we empathize with you and that so many people want you to be happy!!

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  10. You have my full and complete sympathy. I cannot and will not pretend to empathize, but I can sympathize. I hope and pray the visa comes through soon! Oh so soon. And for the record, I am NOT looking forward to the frenzied fever that is bloggers in the fall. If I never hear another word about pumpkin spice lattes, it will still be too soon.

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  11. Oh Betsy (and Jon!), I'm so sorry you guys are going through all this. It may be little consolation but you guys sound like you have such a strong relationship that you will get through it all. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a long summer for you, and a speedy visa delivery for Jon.

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  12. I really appreciate you sharing this... I've known that getting a visa here through marriage isn't the easiest thing but I didn't realize how difficult it would actually be! Or how long it would take! This is so tough! My goodness gracious! I was long distance with Tyler for about a year -- but that was within the states so seeing each other was about $300... and even though that was tough on a student budget, gosh, being an ocean apart and different time zones is the ultimate. I really hope that August will be a month where you guys finally get to reunite!

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  13. I can hardly believe that this is still ongoing and can only imagine as to how frustrating it all must be. (Personally, I think the State Department should be embarrassed as to how couples and families are treated but that is neither here nor there and I know complaining about the process doesn't make it any easier.)


    I will stand with you and plea for August to drag on. I am never in a rush for summer to end and this one seems to be going by far too quickly!

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  14. Man, that's crazy. I'm sorry Betsy. I had no idea how long that process can take. I'm sure the time you have together will soon seem longer than the time you had to spend apart. I hope summer sticks around too and that you are both together soon and that no bloggers even draft any posts about Autumn in August!

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  15. I totally agree with Jay. I cannot believe that this is the way that things go. If I'm annoyed by it, I can't even imagine how you two feel. It's wrong, and I'm so so so sorry.

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  16. Maybe do the Surinder Singh route? But that would mean living in Europe.

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  17. So sorry that you have to struggle through this. I know that things could be worse, but I imagine that they are pretty miserable as they are. My husband and I did long distance for two years and it was the worst time of my life. You can't help but constantly think how much easier it would be (emotionally and financially!) if you were just able to set up one household. People will tell you that this experience will make your relationship stronger and that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe any of that. It is tough and it will take a lot of patience and a rock solid relationship to get through this. I hope that you feel like you can vent here as much as you like. It's sad to hear, but not everything in life is pleasant and your blog doesn't need to be either :) I also think that it's important for you to educate this little community about the difficulty of legal immigration. Best of luck, I hope the fall brings a fresh start for the two of you, together in DC.

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  18. Oh Betsy. My heart breaks for you! It's so hard when you think this should be over and done and somehow it is still dragging on. I so appreciate your honesty and I am hoping and praying that things move along for you!

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  19. I'm crossing my fingers for you. And you know how much I love fall, so that's saying something isn't it?? I hate that this is dragging out for you guys STILL. xoxo

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  20. This is so heartbreaking! I hope things get worked out for you soon!! xx

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  21. This sucks so much Betsy and I really do feel for you. Sending good thoughts and wishes and hoping you hear the news you've been waiting for soon xxxxxx

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