Tuesday, June 24, 2014

It's Been Four Years

early July 2010; on the beach in Aldeburgh, Suffolk

Four years ago yesterday, I drove to Dulles with my parents, my mother tearing up in the front seat, and we hugged goodbye at security.  Four years ago today, I landed at Heathrow, Jon waiting for me at International Arrivals, and I moved to London.

I'd moved to London before, in September 2008, but that trip, as far as we were aware at the time, had an end date.  My MA was only a year long, which meant that I'd be back in DC sometime the following summer or fall.  This trip, as far as we were aware at the time, didn't have an end date.  Here's how I explained my reasons for expatriating in my very first (and, strangely, extremely formal) post here:
My travels, therefore, have not been the result of a longing to be elsewhere. Rather, they have been the result of a longing to find a home. I certainly love my parents’ house just outside of Washington, DC, but recently I’ve been feeling pulled more and more by the need to make my own home. That pull is tugging me to London.
 There are several reasons I accept London. First and foremost, the city is a good fit for me; after living there for a year while studying for my Master’s degree from September 2008 until September 2009 I know that I can thrive there. Second, my chosen career path is exploding in the UK; I currently work in development at an arts organization, and as Europe begins to assume the American tradition of philanthropy my experience will hopefully prove useful. Third and last, but certainly not least of these reasons, is my boyfriend Jon; the success of our relationship ultimately depends on us actually being together.
I always mentioned the romantic aspect at the end, as if moving for love was something to be ashamed of but, as everyone knows, it was really Jon that brought me back to London.  Now, four years later, he's preparing to move to the United States for me.

We do talk about moving back to England eventually.  Not any time soon - maybe in ten years, but who knows?  Even I, planner of life extraordinaire, am resigned to the fact that there are too many unknowns to even think about plotting out our return now.  We don't know where we'll be in our careers or what the job situation will look like on either side of the pond a decade from now, we don't know how our family will have grown by the time we're in our mid-30s or what our (potential) children's educational needs will be, and we don't know if other relationships will keep us in the States or call us to England as our grandparents and parents age.  Most frustratingly, in a way, we don't know what the immigration requirements will be to settle in the UK when we are ready to move back and if we'll be able to meet them.

Of course this isn't something we should be worrying about now and I don't, mostly.  I am completely happy in Washington and I can't wait for Jon to get his visa so we can make our first married home together here.  Neither Jon nor I will put our lives on hold while we're in DC; we will be fully here, deepening our roots in this town personally and professionally, for years to come.  But this morning, four years to the day from when I moved to London for the second time, I do wonder what the third (and probably final) expatriation might look like.

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16 comments:

  1. Love this and I can relate on so many levels. I can't wait for you guys to experience setting up your home together when Jon arrives :)

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  2. All I can say is that I hope that everything is just perfect for you. The excitement is in the not knowing!

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  3. I can't wait for you to have Jon settled into America so you two can experience DC together. x

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  4. You have one of a kind story, Betsy! I hope you and Jon get to make your home as soon as possible.

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  5. I'm going to send this to one of my friends who is thinking about moving to Sweden to be with her boyfriend--of course life continues on outside of a relationship and there are different aspects to consider, but I know she's felt that people will judge her for moving for a non-marriage relationship. It's so nice that you can now look forward to making your first married home together! I'll send some good vibes for your visa process. :)

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  6. It's interesting to both look back and look forward. I'm hoping Jon gets to join you soon for the next chapter!

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  7. My grandparents married here in the States and moved back and forth from here to Mexico many times before finally settling here. (My grandmother is American and my grandfather is Mexican.) I love hearing their story time and time again because it reminds me that sometimes you think something is permanent and it isn't and sometimes you think something is temporary and it isn't. Life likes to keep us on our toes. :)


    Can't wait for your life together in DC to begin!

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  8. Sigh. I just really get excited about the fact that Jon WILL be here very soon. :) You guys just deserve to be together again. :)

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  9. We think about moving back, not now but in the future, but as the years pass and we get more settled here I wonder if it will really happen. Once you have a house and kids and an established routine it is hard to pack up and move again, harder than when you are childless for sure! I hope Jon is here soon xx

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  10. As much as I think it would be fun to have a place where we can settle and not have to move every two minutes, it's also a lot of fun to have that list of open possibilities! While I'm thinking good thoughts for you two being together quickly, get to the same place - but let that same place be where it will.

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  11. I don't think it's shameful to move for love. I certainly did, twice now. But I do think it's important to acknowledge whether or not it was a sacrifice to move for love, and what inspired a move other than love. I can honestly say that I'm living in this small town solely for my husband, and it's a HUGE sacrifice for me. I think it's important that people realize this, because I'm so tired of the bullshit hand-waving that women's choices are the only reason for wage gaps, completely ignoring all the previous choices influenced by gender socialization that led to this eventual choice. Moving for love isn't really a single choice for a single reason. Like when I moved to the state capital to be closer to Beau, I was also moving to a city where I thought I'd have good job opportunities (NOPE!), a city where three of my best friends lived, a city with my sorority's HQ in it, and a city where I could be openly-ish bisexual. That choice to move stemmed from a series of choices to take jobs that would let me travel, but not offer job stability or a high salary, so when the time came for Beau and me to be closer, it was financially practical for the job-less person to move closer to the employed person. Why was it important for me to take jobs that let me travel? Could it at all be related to all the constant messages that once you're married and have kids, you only move for the man's career and all your vacations have to be kid-friendly?

    That was a little rambly...

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  12. Sometimes it's just nice to let go of 'planning' and just live. We never know what the future might hold for us and plans, particularly long range ones, can change a lot. While I love to daydream and envision what things might look like later on, it's also nice to let it all go and settle into the present.

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  13. It's so dang cool you moved to London. Twice! I need to get over there! Some day :)

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  14. It is hard not to plan / think about that in an international marriage. All I will say is time goes miles faster together. We're 8 years in me mmoving heree

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  15. Sorry typing on phone.

    We're in the 8th year of me moving here and it feels like home-ish. And once the paperwork isn't constantly in your mind the day to day stuff takes priority. We may very well move to the US again, but the immigration process is just one aspect of the decision, whereas it was most of the decision our first time around. I feel like I belong here now and that took a good 3+ years to feel.

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  16. I'm so excited to read about all the adventures you two have living in DC together. I love it that you've both lived in London together and now you'll both get to be together in America. I really think DC is a fabulous place when you feel like half your heart is across the pond. There are so many British things about DMV, it's mind boggling. x

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