Two introspective (and, possibly, slightly melodramatic) posts in two weeks! Sorry, dear readers. But you’re the most honest sounding board I know and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…
Bloggers talk all the time about how much of our real lives we share over the interwebs. It seems like you can’t turn around without reading a plea for more authenticity online; we’re all tired of seeing curated bookshelves and styled dinner tables presented as the norm. I completely endorse the movement towards realism, but, regardless, we can’t deny that we choose the best version of ourselves to make public on the internet. Yeah, I've Instagrammed pictures in my PJs on the couch with a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, and some nights really are that slobtastic. But I’m even more of a sloth on other nights, and those are the ones that I screen from Twitter. The best way to describe how we present ourselves on social media is with a word courtesy of the inimitable Steven Colbert: truthiness.
We select which parts of ourselves we share with the world. I can show you only real things – my actual bookshelf, the current state of my dining table, etc – but you still only see the aspects I want you to. It does’t mean that I'm lying about who I am and it doesn't mean that those bits and pieces aren't real, but it does mean that you get a picture of me that is truthy rather than true.
Unless you’re masochistic or you have some strange ulterior motive, that truthy version of you that the world sees is going to be the most idealized you can present. For example, you know about the bowl of pasta I made the other night – indulgent, maybe, but not decadent – rather than the two packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese that I microwaved and wolfed down in the space of five minutes. The world of social media gets the real me, but it gets the best real me I can present.
So here’s the question that the breakup left me with: what does it mean when someone doesn't like the best real you that you can piece together, and where do you go from there?
I feel like I'm saying this all the time on your blog, but SO true! You have a talent for putting general feelings into logical words and arguments :) Bloggers aren't liars, but we also don't showcase out entire life on the internet... who would!? We reserve the right to select what we put out there for the whole world to see. In terms of your social media break-up, it happens, there will always be someone who doesn't like you regardless of how awesome you are. Move on and know that there are hundreds of others who love you :)
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Jenna
real truth in blogging: I drafted this post last week and accidentally published it early. here's the email I sent Jenna...
ReplyDeleteOH NO AHHHHHHHH that wasn't supposed to publish until next Monday! CRAP. haha - thank you for being such a prompt commenter so I was aware of the snafu quickly!
ooooops. I die.
but THANK you! I'll respond on the post when it goes live on purpose (aaaaaaaaaaah) but thank you! I mean, realistically I know you can't be friends with everyone in the whole wide world, but it does make you aware of how everyone has different qualifications for "friend." also, I guess if this person didn't like the best real me than she wouldn't like the worst real me - because we all have worst real selves - so... that's that!
I like "truthy." It reminds me of an author's note I love at the beginning of a David Sedaris collection that says "The events found here are real-ish."
ReplyDelete(ditto to Taylor - see below!)
ReplyDeletePSH thank you for your time always! don't be silly :) sometimes you do need that slap. I mean, sometimes you need that slap for YOU yourself and making sure you can be friends with yourself and it has nothing to do with being friends with other people. does that make sense? it's always a good reality check when these things happen even if there's nothing you can do to change the situation externally.
haha yes - there's definitely an element to blogging that could count as well-researched historical fiction for most of us :)
ReplyDeleteEmailed you :)
ReplyDeletehere's my blunt attitude towards things: if someone doesn't like the "best real you," then s/he doesn't like you. that's all. not everyone was meant to be friends, and if a person can't see how wonderful you are as an individual, then that person is not worth your time or effort trying to convince otherwise. friendships take work, but if that basic foundation of mutual like isn't present, then there's no point in proceeding further. you can instead apply that energy to friendships where people actually the best you - or better yet, the worst you. because if someone can handle you at your worst, they've earned you at your best.
ReplyDelete"if someone can handle you at your worst, they've earned you at your best." THIS. yes. it is true and wise and something that I need to tattoo on my hand. thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI love the brilliance of this post. I was just about to write: I agree! I agree! And to say something about how sad it is not to be loved for our best selves, when I think our true friends love us for our flaws, too, which we know they often overlook. And perhaps the "flaw-free" world creates a sense of impossible competition. I was about to write that (and I think all of those things), but then I had a second thought:
ReplyDeleteI think there is a lot of truthiness in real life and not just among the blogging crowd. I think my facebook feed on a daily basis is the best version of everyone. But here's another question...what if that's a good thing? Not to go all Oprah, but what if that does make us live our best life? Or...what if it inspires us to moreso appreciate a slightly better than average day or moment?
Just another thought for the mix.
I think truthiness is the perfect word for it. I struggle with this in my blogging. Sometimes I feel like only one part of me, one dimension of who I am is actually portrayed through my blog. I think as long as what you do share is authentically you in whatever it is you want to share, than; those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind! So much easier said than done!
ReplyDeleteI had a nasty real-life friend group break-up at the end of 11th grade, and, although it turned me into a whining, crying, "why does everyone hate me/my life is over" blithering idiot for a while, in the end it taught me a great lesson: not everyone has to like me, I don't have to like everyone, and *that's okay*. If someone regularly takes more energy from me than I get from them, I remove them from my life. This isn't just a tit-for-tat idea; I mean if I have to constantly worry about saying something that will hurt their feelings so I don't ever feel like I can have an open, relaxed conversation (I call those "eggshell people"), or if I have to muster energy to be around them because it's never fun, enjoyable, sincere, or honest. I do think this has helped me notice when other people are feeling that way about me, as well- and I can be opinionated, blunt, and waaaay too talkative, so I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteBut sure, it hurts when I do make the realization that someone I've been pursuing as a friend- or worse, someone who I considered a friend- no longer wants a relationship with me. But I'd rather someone forgot about me, or put me in their "past memories" file, than thought of me and immediately felt dread, or exasperation.
As for blogging, obviously we all have parts of our lives that don't get published, and while exposing those can be a fun "level up" for moving from blog-friends to real-friends, you're also taking a leap of faith since most of us expose a bit via email/online conversations long before we meet face-to-face. So the pain potential for break-ups increases, because I, personally, am going to question my judgment/openness twice as much after exposing my dark secrets (ha) to someone I only know online over exposing them to someone I know in person.
So... basically I say when someone doesn't like the "best real you", you have to do two things: see if the reason they don't like it is something you can learn from (like I could be more accepting of other people's different opinions, as hard as it may be sometimes) and then accept it. If you break up and it turns out after some time you miss them, reach out, but in a way that can be politely declined. And maybe they'll do the same.
that's a really good question - and I think that yes, mostly, it is a good thing because it makes us live our best lives. but I also know that I've been through some things (that I haven't yet shared here because I'm not ready) and if I had known that other people had gone through similar things and how they'd managed, I might have dealt with them differently. so I think that it can be productive to not always be your best? but it's a fine line for sure.
ReplyDeletehaha yes easier said than done indeed - but it's always good to be reminded regardless :)
ReplyDeleteyeah. yes. I guess I had a hard time with it because, for those first few hours, my thought process was "BUT I'M THE BEST ME RIGHT NOW? HOW IS THIS STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH?" but you can never be friends with everyone and talking to you guys makes me realize that my best is definitely good enough :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as I'm concerned, you're all fakers. Makes me sick. Ever notice that men don't blog about their perfect paper goods, clothes and furniture?
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, if someone doesn't like you, whether it be the best real you that you decide to put out here on the interwebs, or just you, than it's their loss.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, we've had this conversation before on the blog, over email, and in person; as I've said repeatedly, I'm open to disagreements, debates, and other points of view, but this is just malice. If you'd like to discuss this further, please feel free to contact me privately. Otherwise, given that Betsy Transatlantically clearly continues to upset you, I invite you to stop reading.
ReplyDeletetrue - you can't win 'em all!
ReplyDeleteGood point, I hadn't considered how productive it could be to not be your best. It is always refreshing when someone tells the truth, too, about something hard.
ReplyDeletePS... I've been thinking about this column for 24 hours straight! I think there is a lot to be said about "truthiness" in our online worlds. Just putting it out there that I would love to read about this and think about it more often if you were by chance thinking of making this a more regular topic of conversation. And thank you for providing me with something so thought-provoking for the week. I've brought it up in conversation twice already and it's only Tuesday! :)
ReplyDeletewell, in the best of all possible worlds, this topic would inform every single blog post! I'm really honored it's stuck with you - I'd love to discuss it more over email if you want?
ReplyDeletei haven't been able to get this post of yours out of my head - it inspired my post for tomorrow ;) i hope you don't mind my borrowing a bit of your idea.
ReplyDeletei'm constantly fascinated by the idea of how we bloggers choose which bits & pieces of our lives to share - & those we keep under wraps. it's something that is in a constant 'changing' stage for me, as i continue to find my 'sure footing' in the internet world.
as always, your post has inspired thought & discussion. you are an excellent writer.
oh YAY I'm reading yours now :) I'm flattered and delighted and thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an interesting post!
ReplyDeleteI love the line "what does it mean when someone doesn't like the best real you that you can piece together." I agree with everything you have said about us trying to appear a certain way online, yet also trying to be real- and I think it applies outside of the internet as well, because even in person, I think we are always piecing together the best real bits of ourselves to show to others- putting on makeup before we leave the house, or cleaning up before we have friends over. I think I show my blog, and my real life friends the best real-me I can present, kind of like the example you used about hanging out on the couch in your PJs eating- I would show that side of myself to my friends and probably my blog, but I would definitely hide the mountain of cheese I throw on everything I eat, the huge stack of dishes I leave laying around, or the fact that if I leave my water glass sitting out, my cat will definitely try to drink straight out of it- Ha! I don`t want to scare them too much ;) Anyway, this was all to say, great post :-)
Some Snapshots Blog
Jess
haha yes I do EXACTLY that too - like, I Instagrammed a picture of a meal I'd made and included in the caption was "I added feta after!" but I'd never dare show HOW much feta I added! thank you :)
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