Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Wedding Wednesday: Tradition Tradition

Given yesterday's post on faith, dear readers, and today's Wedding Wednesday topic of tradition, it's only appropriate that we start off here with some Fiddler on the Roof!  But, actually, let me first say thank you for participating in yesterday's discussion so wholeheartedly.  It's amazing to read everyone's thoughts on such a controversial and personal issue, and I especially love that some of you dove in and responded to other readers' comments - I am so encouraged by the conversation that this has sparked.  Originally, I was going to publish the follow-up "I Believe" post next Thursday, Maundy Thursday, in conjunction with Holy Week and Easter, but I want to keep the enthusiasm stoked and so it will appear tomorrow!  Make sure you check back, and please do share if you're comfortable.  As we think about our own spiritual uncertainty, it's interesting to remember, as Tevye says, "Because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do..."



Jon and I are having a civil ceremony, which in the UK means that it can't include any religious aspects at all.  I'll talk more about that in a future Wedding Wednesday post, but it does make this topic of wedding traditions, which have different forms on either side of the pond, a bit easier to tackle!

Even though I sometimes feel that there's pressure on couples to be creative in a very specific way as they plan the aesthetic of their weddings - if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this hilarious infographic - one of the current trends I love is the emphasis on making the ceremony personal and unique.  There are dozens of articles out there on how to blend cultures in a wedding ceremony, and, unless you're getting married in a strictly religious setting where you have to follow certain rules, it really does seem like anything goes.  Granted, my traditions aren't phenomenally different from Jon's, especially not when you take out the religious elements, but there are enough variations that we feel like we get to pick and choose those that work best for us!  This will actually take two weeks' worth of Wedding Wednesdays, so let's do this chronologically and work our way through the day starting with the ceremony:


I'm definitely going to incorporate a few of the fun old-wifesey traditions - for instance, in America, the saying is "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue" but, in England, they add "and a sixpence in your shoe!" at the end.  Jon's father tells me that they have a sixpence or two lying around the house, so I'm excited to include that.  Also, another expat bride told me that there's a British tradition of carrying a horseshoe (an ornamental one, obviously, since the real things are heavy!) for good luck.  I'm not sure I'll do that, but it's a sweet idea.

The first look is a purely American invention, though it has made its way to the UK along with many other traditions.  It's never been something that I wanted to do; the moment a groom sees his bride seems like such a magical thing to share with all those you love most dearly and, honestly, a truly spiritual moment that belongs in the ceremony.  Luckily, Jon had never heard of the first look before and isn't keen either.

British weddings are usually scheduled much earlier in the day than American weddings.  Of course you can have a morning wedding followed by a festive brunch or an afternoon wedding followed by a tea party, but wedding ceremonies in the UK are often in the early afternoon even when the wedding day includes dinner and dancing in the evening.  Jon's parents were surprised when I suggested a late afternoon ceremony and the registrar was as well when I called to make a 5pm reservation - in fact, you can't legally have a civil ceremony after 6pm in England!

In England, when all the guests are seated for the ceremony and the groom and his best men are standing up at the altar, the groom keeps his back to the room and only sees his bride when she arrives beside him.  (Remember the Royal Wedding back in 2011?  Watch the video - you can start at 4:30, but you'll see it specifically from 5:10 to 6:10.  Hold on a second, must get a tissue.  I tear up every time!)  Jon and I haven't discussed how this will happen, but in the US, the groom watches his bride process up the aisle towards him.

Also, speaking of processionals, the bride goes first in England, followed by her bridesmaids.  We'll be doing it American-style; I want to go last!  Our ceremony will be pretty short, so we'll also follow the American tradition of having our attendants stand with us for the whole thing.  In England, the bridesmaids and groomsmen usually sit with the guests after they process up the aisle.

We'll discuss the content of the ceremony - well, inasfar as I can share it without giving everything away - when I post about civil ceremonies in the UK, but next week we'll continue with more US/UK differences, focusing on the reception!  In the meantime, I know I have some readers out there who have been to (or participated in) transatlantic weddings - what differences have you noticed?


26 comments:

  1. Ah Betsy, now you have tempted me to spend the rest of the afternoon reliving the Royal wedding!

    As an American in England with a British beau we have certainly talked about each others traditions, especially as we are now attending weddings of our British friends pretty frequently. It is so interesting to look and see which traditions our friends are incorporating and it seems like I learn something new with each wedding we attend (for both civil ceremonies, religious ceremonies and the 'do's!).

    With regards to the civil ceremony I was surprised, and a bit refreshed, about the lack of religious implication about a wedding. When it was over, I turned to my boyfriend and said that I thought it was the first time I had seen a union without any religious reference. Also a less meaningful observation- the bouquets brides tend to carry are much smaller and have a different sort of trumpet shape.



    And lastly the proclamation of "I will" instead of "I do." This one I actually love as to me it signifies the act of doing so now until death do part instead of the present tense of doing so here and now.


    Can't wait to hear about your thoughts on the receptions (speeches for the ladies and gentlemen?)!

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  2. haha DO IT! it will make you feel full of love and joy :)

    I'm actually a little frustrated by how non-religious civil ceremonies have to be in the UK - there are some things we'd like to include that have no real religious meaning for us but that are still important to us, but we can't! more on that soon...


    although I will admit here and now that I have no idea what we're going to do with the speeches! eek.

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  3. So fascinating to read about these different traditions... and how fun to pick and choose your favorites between the two :) Also, now I will be singing Fiddler on the Roof for the rest of the day.

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  4. I find all the little differences fascinating! I actually never knew there were differences, so thanks for educating me!

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  5. haha well honestly you could have a (completely secular) wedding in, say, Oregon and it could be totally different from (completely secular) wedding in, say, Georgia, so I guess it's all relative!

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  6. Since we got married in the US it was definitely more 'American' but I tried to incorporate some British traditions. One thing that I never particularly liked was the whole some people invited to the ceremony/dinner/reception, some to just dinner/reception, and some to just the reception.

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  8. oh MAN. I stayed away from that topic on purpose here, but I think I will have to address it in the next post - it really frustrates me!

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  9. so where is your first kiss fitting into the schedule? with British tradition it comes at a different time, right?

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  10. sorry WHAT? ah! I do not know of what you speak. (well, I do know that in the traditional Anglican wedding ceremony - and, I think, in most official religious ceremonies - the "you may kiss the bride" bit is not actually part of the liturgy. it's just a fun bonus!)

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  11. Such an interesting look at the different cultures, I love it. I'm going mostly American, it's what Rob and I know and love! :) We're even considering a first look...

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  12. I have to admit, the logistics of doing a first look - don't have to coordinate photos after the ceremony and therefor get to spend more time with guests, fresher for those same photos, etc - are a strong argument in favor!

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  14. I'm English and I've never heard of the sixpence addition. I've also never seen the bridesmaids go last at any of the weddings I've been to, although granted I haven't been to THAT many. I will definitely be going last and my future hubby-to-be better turn and watch me. [That happens a lot on all the wedding shows I may or may not watch.]

    Luckily it's going to be a longgg time before I get married so I have some time to acquiant myself with all the traditions I should know about but don't!

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  15. I LOVE reading/talking about transatlantic couples who mix and match their wedding elements.

    BTW - I like to think that late weddings are catching on. We got married at 4pm, which moved seamlessly to cocktail hour (when we disappeared for photos) and dinner. People were surprised, but appreciated both the time to get ready/travel and that it worked so well. So I'm with you on that one.

    As for layered invitations (ceremony/dinner/reception) I think it depends on the family/social circles etc. I've been invited only to receptions of weddings, and I invited a few (local) people to my reception only.

    Maybe I'll do a re-cap of our US/UK wedding and the traditions one day. I do love reading the different tradition combos :)

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  17. Interesting...I don't actually know anything about anything (surprise! I'm not British) but I thought that was something I'd heard/read/seen somewhere. so because you're doing a civil ceremony, does that give you more freedom to do what you'd like in terms of combining British- and Americanisms? aside from the religious elements?

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  18. I love these posts Betsy! We were frustrated to learn that where we are from in Canada you can't have just anyone conduct your ceremony - it has to be done by a Judge or a Justice of the Peace. In the States I know it's quite common to have a friend officiate your ceremony. Do you know what the situation is in the UK?

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  19. haha yes I think Megan talked about it in terms of her church wedding (either in a guest post here or on Across the Pond) but it's actually technically the same in the BCP for the Episcopalian Church in the US, too. and yes, sort of, to answer your other question, although our ceremony really will be quite short! more on that in a few weeks :)

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  20. haha I have to admit I haven't seen it either! I think a lot of American traditions have crossed the pond thanks to Hollywood :)

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  21. it's very restrictive in the UK too! if it's not a religious ceremony it has to be done by a registrar, it can't be outside or after 6pm... although I think I read that they're thinking of loosening the rules a bit?

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  22. How interesting to read about these differences! It seems odd that a civil ceremony can't have any religious aspects to it in the UK. I appreciated being able to make our ceremony whatever we wanted it to be, and while it didn't have religious parts to it, it seems unfair to think that someone could say we weren't allowed to if we wanted to. Boo!

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  23. Some people still doesn't know about this setting. But they will be able soon, that just need a process.

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  24. Just to clarify, you can get married outside in the Uk- we're doing it next year! The key is that it has to be A- a permanent structure, and B- a licensed venue. So there aren't that many available places. Ours is a wooden archway attached to an old farmhouse.

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  25. ah! I wonder if they changed the rules since we looked into it a year ago? but that's great news - thanks for the update!

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