London engagement session by Tarah Coonan; September 2012
I have to start this with a huge thank you to Jon; he doesn't entirely understand my need to publish satisfying Wedding Wednesday posts but listened patiently as our goodnight Skype turned into a ramble about today's topic and only once, gently, reminded me that he had to go to bed.
You know that long distance has been a struggle for us, as it is for most couples in similar situations. What you don't know is that part of the reason it has been so stressful and tense is that we've encountered a few roadblocks on the way to legally getting married in the UK. I'm not comfortable sharing the details on the blog until it's all a bit more settled, but I will tell you that when we had our phone consultation with the lawyer on Monday we asked why we'd never heard of transatlantic couples having these issues before. "Oh, they do have these issues," she said. "They just don't know that they exist and so they bulldoze through them, usually without consequences." The she laughed. "Your problem is that your research was too thorough!"
The past few months of dealing with this have been instrumental in highlighting the differences between having a wedding and getting married. Ideally, of course, you'll do both at the same time, but it's not always logistically or bureaucratically an option and Jon and I did have to face the possibility of the two being distinct and separate. It forced me to think about what it means to get married; what it means to vow until death do you part regardless of the pomp and circumstance of a ceremony, what it means to distill the moment into the purest expression of love between two people, and what it means to start the rest of your lives together surrounded by those who love you most dearly.
We'll be back to the Wedding Wednesday frills next week, dear readers, but I wanted to take a moment to share these thoughts with you today. I don't know many people who have eloped - Megan and Stephen's beautifully intimate day is the closest thing I can think of - and we are jumping through every hoop to ensure that our dreams can materialize as planned, but I am grateful for the reminder that, at the end of the day...
THIS PICTURE.
ReplyDeleteSo freaking gorgeous! xx
that picture is super adorable, and I love this quote.
ReplyDeletehang in there, guys. I'm rooting for you. in the end when you're starting your life together this mess will have all been worth it.
Tarah's the best! thank you :)
ReplyDeletethank you! it will be - Jon's amazing at keeping my imagination in check when it comes to what-ifs, and I tell him that he'll need to hang on to that skill for the next 50 years :)
ReplyDeleteJames and I eloped last September. A lot of people don't know. We chose to keep it on the DL and not announce it because his extended family has strong opinions and it happened 1 month after a cousin got married. It's a long story. We had actually started planning a wedding and the world dropped a giant concrete barrier right in front of us so we took it as a sign that we weren't meant to throw a wedding right now. Even still, we knew that being married wasn't something we were ready to give up on so easily so we spent a weekend in the OBX and got married barefoot on the beach at sunset on a windy Saturday evening. It was special and ours alone. We'll plan a wedding someday when it's right.
ReplyDeleteI love this. Trust me, I am not bitter about how my wedding came about (I loved it!), but sometimes I do get judgmental when people focus so heavily on making the wedding perfect as if the wedding determines the happiness or success of the marriage. Wedding. Marriage. They are two completely separate entities that are intertwined. No matter how many complications there are in the wedding planning process and no matter which details do not materialize on your wedding day are small beans compared to your marriage. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the way you write, and I love this picture of you two! And I just saw last night that I have that email from you in my inbox that I never responded to. That happens to me a lot lately! I sort of draft a response in my head, and then I forget to actually respond ;) I'll make that happen soon! xo, eliza
ReplyDeleteLOVE :)
ReplyDeleteoh MAN. but it's good to know that you can overcome anything even when the world seems set against you - you do what you have to do to be where you want to be and everything else will shake out. I'll email you :)
ReplyDeletemust admit I don't remember reading stories about your wedding so I'll have to dive into the archive tonight! but YES. the wedding (in all its SMP glory) should not be the high point of your relationship.
ReplyDeletethank you! Tarah is really amazing - we felt so natural with us that it was easy to just... be :)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! There are always miracles. Best of luck in resolving the immigration issues.
ReplyDeletePssst...I have a secret. {we did} With the amount of bureaucratic paperwork that went along with turning my husband into a military spouse, we didn't want to wait until our actual wedding. We were worried about the same thing - having one event take away from the other and not wanting them to be distinct, but now I'm really, really glad we did it. It was as if the marriage was just for us, since we're the ones who are going to be making our way together, but we were still able to have the wonderful crazy celebration with family and friends. The hardest part was being married and not being able to wear my ring until the wedding.
ReplyDeleteWishing you guys the best of luck! All the struggles mean that it's clear how much you both love each other and want to married. :) Dedication is important to a marriage.
ReplyDeleteoh YAY I like that way of looking at it! so which anniversary do you celebrate - or both?
ReplyDeletethank you! we're learning a lot about how the other deals with this [expletive] and that'll be really useful down the road I'm sure :)
ReplyDeleteBoth! The marriage one is just for us - and the couple of friends who came with us to be our witnesses - and we keep that on the downlow! We're coming up on our first big wedding anniversary this summer, and that's the one everyone knows about and will celebrate with us.
ReplyDeletefirst of all, that picture is beautiful. you two are the cutest! and I don't know if I could do the whole elopement. But Megan's celebration looks just so beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThis picture is simply lovely! So, so sweet!
ReplyDeletethat's the way to do it :)
ReplyDeletehaha our parents would kill us if we just jetted off to Paris or something!
ReplyDeleteAck--good luck and best wishes on getting everything figured out! I can't imagine that stress.
ReplyDeleteI do understand what you're saying about the difference between getting married and then having a wedding though. I had the traditional wedding, but I remember so clearly going and getting the marriage license with my husband before the day. Even though we had already decided to make that commitment and the big day was the committing to one another in front of our family and friends, that moment was just us saying, "THIS IS IT." (Even though of course we still had to sign it and all later. :))
I'm pretty much a lurker and don't comment all that often, but just wanted to say we went through the similar UK bureaucratic insanity that you are facing now. I'm happy to share our story with you via email, if you are interested. I'm a constant over-researcher as well, so I might have stumbled across the same things you did. I know it will work out for you because real love IS worth it and, like others have said, it is so much more than the wedding. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously, that is a great photo!
I hope everything works out for you dear friend! Jurgen and I may well end up getting married before the actual wedding due to visa issues and my desperate need to get permanent residency. We haven't even started to consider Jurgen's issues in getting a green card for the states... I'm kind of in denial about it to be honest. Like you said, in the end all that matters is that you two end up together :)
ReplyDeletexxx
Jenna
Hi Betsy! I have been following your blog for a while, but
ReplyDeletehave yet to comment. When I read this post my heart broke because I know
exactly what you are going through. My husband is English and I am from
California. When we decided to get married and have him move to the US to be
with me we were naïve, excited and happy. After visa delays, having to postpone
our wedding date, and long distance, we were no longer as excited – we just
wanted to get it done. We still continued to plan a wedding with friends and
family, but we also decided to legally marry months before the big day. Now we
have two anniversaries. The one we celebrate and the one that means something
to us is the day we declared our love and commitment in front of our family and
friends. It is not the day we received a piece of paper my government told us
we had to have to be together. By separating the meaning of our wedding and the
legal aspect of it, we were able to celebrate our wedding day and never thought
“Well, this day doesn’t mean as much because we are already married.” Everyone
is different, but this is what worked for us. (Also, my husband and I
researched too much as well! Both when he received his fiancé visa to move to
the US and when I received to my visa after we decided to move to the UK. Both
times, our planning hindered more then helped us!) I know you and Jon will get
everything sorted and your wedding day will be amazing!
you know, I'd been so wrapped up in the intricacies of what we have to do with the UK stuff that I had totally forgotten that most people in the US get their license before their wedding day! good reality check, thank you :)
ReplyDeletewell HELLO and yay thank you for coming out :) but yes, I'd love to hear how you dealt with all of this - please do email if you're comfortable!
ReplyDeleteWHY DO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH THESE GUYS? aren't there any good Americans? hehe :)
ReplyDeleteWhen Alex and I were picking venues (or I should say, venue vs. registry office), so many people were telling me that there's a difference between having a wedding and getting married. I just looked at them like ".........wtf". Luckily, I finally grasped the concept. And I was such a brat about the whole registry office thing. But I think back now and just realize how lucky we really were to be able to getting married and have a wedding at the same time, especially with our transcontinental situation... The hardest thing was that I (and you, too!) had so many guests flying thousands of miles that I wanted the wedding ceremony/celebration to be.... something worth flying for I guess? Hard to explain. But I hope you understand what I'm ranting about!
ReplyDeletehello thank you welcome yay for new commenters! I bet it's even more of a nightmare if you want him to come to the US and stay legally right after the wedding - I'm going to fly right back to the States immediately after ours and they're still giving us a hard time! but you're right - it's about the celebration of commitment, and every time I go to the UKBA website I will remember that :) thank you!
ReplyDeletehaha I might have been, too! we are having a civil ceremony but it's at a venue... compromise? but I totally get what you're saying - it's harder to get people to fly out just for a party. so we'll make it a celebration!
ReplyDelete