Well, actually, it ended lovingly. But before that, after dinner, we had a huge fight. The kind of fight where you hurl volleys of cutting observations, break for a few sulky minutes facing opposite walls, and then turn back to willfully misunderstand what the other has said, finding hurt and offense where there was none to be taken.
The argument wasn't about anything, really - it was a side effect of my imminent departure. This is what I do when I get scared about leaving: I come up with a reason to be glad to go. Usually, that means I pick a fight with someone I love. And Jon, the man I cannot wait to marry, hasn't quite learned yet that I just need to get the scared out of my system.
So we fight, and then I cry and smack my pillow around a bunch, and then I feel a lot better about the whole situation and apologize and we end the night lovingly.
But leaving is hard, and it will always be hard no matter how many last nights we have to endure, and I can only promise to try to get over the scared and Jon can only try to understand that this backwards method is how I cope with leaving. Hopefully, the fights will get shorter and shorter and the loving will come sooner and sooner - we both want that, even though I would have died before admitting it mid-rage last Wednesday night. Eventually, even, we might get good at the goodbyes. Well, maybe not good.
Just... better. And that's really all you can ask for when you're in a long distance relationship, isn't it?
photo credit: Tarah Coonan
(Yes, this is what you think it is. You'll get more next Wednesday!)
Don't get good at goodbyes, because that means you are apart for too long! I agree, just get better. I can't tell you how many times this would happen to us. And how many times I would stand at Gatwick and sob, ugly cry, as we said goodbye, people staring at us. We never got good at it, just realized it was a temporary thing that we had to endure. And the seeing each other after a long time apart was so, so worth it! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteLong distance is awful - I think the longest Joe and I went was 11 weeks. I'm so glad all of that is over now and hopefully yours will be soon too!
ReplyDeleteI'm a fight-picker, too. Less so with Paul than with friends, which he's helped by being a huge pain in my butt anytime he's having to travel for work- he's remarkable about forgetting stuff, and that's involved a few too many u-turns on the way to the airport for me to cry when I throw him out of the car at the end! But really, I'm bad about the fight-picking with friends and my family, and even when I know I'm doing it, I can't/won't stop it. Here's hoping your and Jon's goodbyes lessen in both frequency and rage-intensity :)
ReplyDeleteBefore we got married we argued a lot. It was like we were toddlers testing the boundaries of our relationship before we made the proper commitment. A year later, just before I emigrated, the same thing happened again.
ReplyDeleteIt will all be worth it, I promise. Just last night I was saying "remember when we were long-distance and blah blah blah". It feels so weird and so good that that stage in our life is history.
Long distance is awful but it will be over (in a good way) very soon so try to concentrate on that and not live in the miserable moment.
ReplyDeletethe reunions do make it worth it :) hello, love actually!
ReplyDeleteME TOO. and not only can I not stop, but I get mad at Jon for not making me stop. haha - poor boy! I am a certified nightmare.
ReplyDeleteyes, it is about testing boundaries I think! like, how far can we push before... but I do look forward to the time when we can look back at this stage.
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean. Nick and I were together for only a couple of months before I left him to go home for the summer and we fought-- a lot. We considered calling it quits after only half a year because we couldn't handle being apart. But we then realized, it wasn't a problem of us being together that was causing problems, it was being apart. So I moved in with him after having dated for only 6 months. Sounds crazy right? Well, this coming March will mark our 5th anniversary of being a couple and I couldn't be more happy to call him my husband. He's learned the fact that I'm lazy, I'm sarcastic, and sometimes I can just be a bitch for no reason. But he loves me. That's what I call an awesome husband.
ReplyDeletethere's some quote about loving your partner because of his/her flaws, not despite them... Nick does sound like the best! :)
ReplyDeleteohmygoodness. LEAVING. IS. HARD. from what I've learned, you never get good at goodbyes, but the best goodbye is the one you know is your last goodbye before finally never having to weep at another airport again. everything from there is smooth sailing. well, as smooth sailing as long distance relationships ever go!
ReplyDeleteleaving is the absolute worse. i saw my german for 2 weeks in june, and he is coming for christmas, but i always find myslef getting depressed over the leaving. we make an effort nnot to mention it when we are together but then when the times come to say good bye in the airport, i am a hot mess, and it doesn't help when my usually manly man gets tears in his eyes. ugh, i cannot wait to move back to germany and be together permanently. thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's always nice to find someone that hsares the same sentiments.
ReplyDeleteThis used to happen to me when I was a kid going from one parent to another (divorced...) only I was a child and couldn't name my emotions. I just knew I felt yucky inside and lashed out to divest myself of that feeling, to put it anywhere other than where it was -- sitting inside my guts.
ReplyDeleteThe Canadian and I did the first five years of our marriage predominantly long-distance while he was consulting at customer sites and I was at home. Granted we saw each other most weekends, but still, we were apart probably 200 or so days out of the year. It was tough and I had to really really work on not projecting my feelings onto him and pick fights. It was not easy, and it took more self-reflection and work than I'd care to admit. I think, I'm mostly better these days when we have to be apart for extended time periods because what I've allowed myself the freedom to say/do is cry, say I'll miss him, say it makes me feel all churned up inside, say I feel insecure and vulnerable...and then this gives him permission to comfort me...rather than me pushing him away and picking the fights I used (mostly...) to pick.
So, I totally know how you feel. The long-distance thing is so tough and it takes some serious self-actualization to make it work. It is really hard, but you guys are doing a great job and loving each other through the tough parts. That's what makes it work in the end.
the way you deal with stress and tough situations sounds very similar to how I deal with stress. I appreciate your honesty. We're all just trying to figure it out, right? It's nice to know we're not alone!
ReplyDeleteexactly! I will admit that Jon wasn't thrilled when I asked him if I could share this, but he understood that writing about it was cathartic.
ReplyDelete