On Thursday, we'll be exactly three months out from our wedding. I'm really excited, obviously, but we're now down to the wire when it comes to the visa and license we need to get married in the UK. I've also started preparing for the spousal visa that we'll apply for after the wedding so that Jon can live in the US with me. It's a lot - there are a million details that need to be worked out, a million pieces that need to be coordinated, and a million loose ends that need to be tied up. Obviously, because I'm taking the lead on everything, it's stressing me out. And when I get stressed, I make sure that Jon is stressed too - after all, misery loves company.
We've had some bona fide arguments over how to manage the practical side of our wedding process, but we've also had our share of those frustrating fights where neither is right but neither can let go and the whole thing just escalates until, finally, there's some sort of metaphorical explosion over Skype and then a few horrible seconds (or minutes) of silence before apologies are muttered and, haltingly, accepted.
I don't hold grudges; usually, I'll have lost the motivation to be angry after just a few hours. But, even after we've said our "sorry" and "I love you" peace-makings, I do need to be left alone to sulk/glower in my head for a little while in order for all the strong feelings to dissipate. The more intensely I can let those emotions run loose, the faster they'll wear themselves out.
Jon doesn't work that way. In his mind, once the apologies have been accepted, we can immediately snap back to being madly adoring of each other. And, bless him, he doesn't accept that I have a hard time switching gears as quickly as he can. He pleads, "Can't we just speak lovingly to each other?" I resist as long as I can, because I'm stubborn and I want to wallow in feeling everything, but he wears me down eventually. How could he not, when his choice to find joy in our conversations even when I'm being a pain in the you-know-what is such an obvious delight to him?
I love this post so much - I am the exact same way about harboring and needing space, which is so not conducive to long distance relationships. I'm happy to see that I'm not alone - and happy to see that Jon wears down your stubborn side! :) It's good to have someone who can go back to love so quickly, even if we can't appreciate it in the moment.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I fight the same way. He's done and over it in seconds. My temper is like one of those styrofoam packing inserts. Takes two seconds to come out, but if you're ever trying to put it back again, it takes a lot of stuffing and cursing and...you get the idea. He's learned that if something sets me off, it's just safer to go find a bunker somewhere {his office usually works} and hide from me until I'm sane again. :p
ReplyDeleteI am very much like you and Lee is very much like Jon and it is hard, but it works in its own weird way. He is a keeper ;) And, having been through the moving to US visa drama, it is stressful, it is difficult, and it is tiring. But the end results are SO worth it!
ReplyDeleteA and my polite disagreements go like this: I cry, raise my voice, get upset and A tells me he loves me and listens and tries to help. :) So yeah...
ReplyDeleteha - polite disagreements. we're so far past that at this point :P but we're lucky to have these patient guys!
ReplyDeleteno - he's right, if we only have so long on the phone we should make the time as good as possible! but don't try to tell me that when I'm actively YARGHing :P
ReplyDeletelove that metaphor! (analogy?) that's the reason Jon and I won't be able to stay in my studio long once he moves over - someone will need a door to slam at one time or another!
ReplyDeleteit does work! I'd be even more of a pain if he didn't coax me out. these men are saints!
ReplyDeleteI find this post very sweet :) I tend to cry. A lot. I also don't like to drag on the actual talking part of arguments. I like to keep it brief and then process it on my own before moving on fully. Because like you, I don't really hold grudges. Give me a couple of hours and I've forgotten about it. The more we talk about things, however, the more upset I get. Kind of silly, I know
ReplyDeleteaw yay! it is sort of a little bit an apology to Jon for putting him on mute on Friday so he couldn't hear me wailing on the other end of the computer, so I'm with you. I just needed to gnash my teeth but he was being so sweet! it was TOTALLY UNFAIR.
ReplyDelete"Can we not argue over the phone anymore?"
ReplyDelete"Then where will be do our arguing?"
"Touche"
You know I understand what you're going through, and it's aaaaall totally normal (btw I'm more like you in those situations).
HAHA that's totally us :) thank you for making me feel more normal in this!
ReplyDeleteHaha, sorry there scott I've to agree with ab. Should you feel he isnt on the equipment then you far better adjust your pondering. the Mr Olympia'
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Everyone I have known in real has fought more right before their wedding no matter how relatively easy their circumstances are so when you are throwing in more than one country it is sure to get crazy!
ReplyDeletetrue! every time I think, "NO ONE HAS EVER FOUGHT LIKE THIS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LOVE" I remind myself that we all do and we all (well, mostly) get through it! thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI'm the same as you: apologies don't mean I can easily switch gears. I like a little time to sulk and process. If I'm given that then I move on quite easily. Don't give me that time? It'll come back to bite you on the butt, haha.
ReplyDeleteAdmire Jon's approach though. It's a great one to have!
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I really think it's just the genetic makeup of a man! My husband is the same exact way. I tell him all the time that it's like flipping a light switch on and off for him. One second he can be so angry and the next he can love me to pieces. I just don't work like that!
ReplyDeleteI love that analogy too!
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